“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
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My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.