You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
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I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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