the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
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Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Me sliding into hell like
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.