why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
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just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does