My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
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Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*