Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Just why bro?!
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!