*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”