ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.