by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Saw your ex at the shops
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Spa day..😅
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.