Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
had to make it
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Tastes like chicken.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
waiting for halloween be like:
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
This made me smile…
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers