[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
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I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH