cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
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guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire