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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here