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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*