BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
S M O L
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
what do you want!!!!!!!!
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.