I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Ah yes. The three genders
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*