When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
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Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.