My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
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In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real