Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
[eats all your cotton candy]
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.