Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
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Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Brb my Sims are getting married
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there