Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
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Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?