I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
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Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
🤣🤣
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Breaking news:
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?