9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
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2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*