I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.