[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense