When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
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This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Bring back the McRib
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk