My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
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There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited