Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
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Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
it was a valiant fight
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Put the is in disheveled
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken