“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Cats (2019)
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?