Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
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What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.