The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
You Might Also Like
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*me flirting
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”