me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
You Might Also Like
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
no their not
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.