ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
a public service announcement
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
*Inspirational Tweets*