Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
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This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
それは草
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here