as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.