Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.