The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.