*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
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When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die