My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
😏😏😏
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies