Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
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“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.