Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore