I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Just a friendly reminder!
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.