Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
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A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Just got to our Airbnb!
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?