Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
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Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.