If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Seems a bit forward