Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
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“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’