me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
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Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
(Musicians.)
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.