getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
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(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!