If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
You Might Also Like
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
yeet
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Meowchelangelo
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…