Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
You Might Also Like
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids